Dearest Internet,
Another serious question (what's the world coming to??). My Dad's birthday is next month. Problem: we're currently on the outs. I'm not talking to/with him at all at the moment, though plan to sit down with him sometime soon and say some things I should've been saying all along. He can either listen or enjoy life with one less daughter. That's not really the issue, though. Though this talk may or may not happen before his b-day, it won't change the fact that he has and is continually proving himself to be the opposite of the kind of man I want/deserve for a father. So what should I do about his birthday...?
At a quandary,
Magpie
P.S. Iseult's question ( http://dearinter.net/question/1130) reminded me of this, which I've been meaning to ask. Bad timing in the related topics, though, sorry!
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You can't change other people - you have to be the person you want to be. Buy the present/card that that person would buy.
For clarification... So I should try to move away from the bitterness and hurt all this is causing. Sort of rediscover the openess of heart that's been hard for me to achieve lately. Right? thinks ... That's gonna be hard... But you're completely correct about changing people. I don't want to come out of this experience as a lesser person. Thanks.
i was like that with my mother at her birthday's time this year. things are a bit easier because she always refused to celebrate, so i could just pretend it was another common day, but it's not easy hugs
just for the additional details, it was because she told me i was forbidden to travel with my boss. we were going to a military base to get a training for another trip, this one an expedition to a desert island to collect specimens. she said the fact i was the only woman in the group was suspicious and he certainly had bad intentions concerning me, and that there was nothing to do with the fact that i know the job and there was no other person better qualified in the country, man or woman.
but victorix is absolutely right about it, you just can't change people. not easy to find a way of living with the things we don't like in them, but living with those sometimes means discussing them, and, although they don't change, sometimes they learn. or we do.
If you are going to get him a card, get one with a message that speaks the truth, or write one yourself. Don't get a card saying something that you don't mean.
Other people's behaviour is never an excuse to behave well. You should be the daughter you think you should be.
alex: Hmmm, mine is similar, but I would say other people's behaviour/judgements shouldn't be a factor in one's own behaviour, although their feelings should. Magpie, be the daughter/person you want to be, that you are happy/ comfortable being. Sometimes that might be going completely opposite from what others expect of you, but you should try to remain true to yourself. As solitaryascidian so acutely pointed out, sometimes we learn, from their not learning.
I dunno - you can change people, that's the scary bit. Only, a) no guarantee that they change the way you'd like them to, and b) even if they were, that might not be what you/they actually needed.
So make sure that you know who you are, and make him aware of that. He may well change. It may well all get better.
In the meantime, if he and you are really at odds, a card is phoney.
Also, greeting cards are foolish and shallow. A card can't and shouldn't take the place of a conversation that, as you indicate, needs to happen, nor should it be used if it might give the impression that all is well and no such conversation is needed. A gift card can be as personal or impersonal as is appropriate and has, according to your comments, the benefit of being the status quo gift. Therefore it is relatively neutral and is probably the best option of those listed.