dear internet,
I went to dinner last night. Here is how it went:
Friends: "Lets order a bottle of wine! What d'you say? Red or white??"
Me: "Oh, you guys go ahead. I think I'll skip on the wine tonight."
Person: "Why!?! No wine?? Come on."
Me: "Erm. My throat is not feeling too well." (lie)
Another person: "Well, then you must lubricate it! It'll help! I'm sure it's what the doctor ordered!"
Me: "Nah, you guys go ahead, it's fine."
Someone else: "Oh come on! Join us! It'll cure your throat, I promise!"
Me: "Oh, you mean like "it'll kill the germs"?" (trying not to put on dumbshit Homer accent and trying to remain civil)
Someone: "Yes, you've got it! That's it!" (orders wine, makes sure I get some, makes us all do a toast).
I'm not against drinking, but I hate it when people act like you're a leper just because you want to skip on the alcohol for the evening. I've simply gotten tired of the taste of alcohol and don't like being hungover. But I've found that even if the people you eat with are grudgingly "ok" with your not drinking, there's always something wierd in the atmosphere afterwards, like they're suprised/let down/deflated that you wont' join in on the boozing.
I find this really tedious. What to do, dear internet?
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I also would have voted for, not being friends with a bunch of alcoholics.
There's something about wine at dinner. In some situations expressly saying 'no' to wine is like saying no to food, like saying, ''no, I'm not going to order anything, I'll just sit here and watch you eat.' Like, when I turned legal my family started giving me wine at holiday dinners but no one was really watching to see if I drank it. It was just a social convention. So...who are these friends of yours who aren't concerned about the complimentary taste of wine with the meal or with the mild stimulation of alcohol so much as they are with getting drunk...at a dinner party. Either that or they're cheap and wanted to force you to chip in for the bottle.
Thank you for phrasing the question in the form of dialogue, by the way, that helped explain it.
I have a couple of those automatons in my extended friends group. They are not alcoholics, they are just... deficient? I think for one they are insecure, holding on to hollow little routines, and you not drinking unsettles them. Some even seem to be threatened by a 'no thanks' attitude.
I have found that staying calm and friendly yet completely honest is best. Just say you don't feel like drinking, in a relaxed way. End of debate. Many people don't get it, but will get used to it. If they don't, and keep ignoring how you feel... they can't be friends!
haha -- thanks for your answers. i guess it wasn't so much as they were alcoholics as that there were 2-3 guys (who i didn't know well) on holiday and only 1 good friend. but even then, there's still that moment when other people's faces fall when you decline to drink. i don't like that. and i really don't see why i have to explain it..
If they didn't know you maybe they thought you were being coy. Like when you offer certain female co-workers a cupcake or something and they're like oh, no, I'm not really hungry and then you're supposed to say oh no please go on and have one, etc. Some people are like that with drinks. They're finally all like, oh all right, just a small glass, and really the whole time they were resisting they were just making up their minds.
And the insecurity thing too. Sometimes people misread judgment of their own drinking into someone else's deferral. So Yuri's "relaxed way" is definitely the way to go. Self-assurance has gotten me through entire nights of not drinking at bars. Although ocassionally someone says something weird like, "What, are you Christian or something?" And yes, that is pretty annoying.
Screw 'em. If they're pressuring you to drink after you've made your feelings clearly known, they aren't worth your time. If you still want to hang out with them, do it in a non-dining capacity and bring your own drink with you. If they say, "Oh, hey want a drink?", you can then smile and raise your (non-alcoholic) drink and say, "I'm set, thanks!". Or something to that effect...
designated driver usually works, or just telling them you have to drive later on. (real) friends dont let (real) friends drink when they have to drive, so the pressure should be let up some. plus, you can make sure your friends don't drive drunk either...
I don't think you need to act like an uptight asshole to decline alcohol. Do it as respectfully as you can, and if they pressure you just stick to your guns.
I'd try to make as little fuzz as possible about not drinking. Make your point clearly and reasonably, maybe come up with an excuse. laner's idea is probably the best, but I've found that "I've just taken an aspirin" or "If I drink wine now, I'll just fall asleep" aren't too bad, either. A headache is probably more helpful than your sore throat... And if all that doesn't help, well, just grin and bear it, order water with your wine and just don't drink it.